School For Sex (1972)
Actress: Angel Bowes, Heather Starr (as Cherie Kent), Devon Mayer, Fifi LaStrange, Marsha Bishop, Stephany Sarver (as Mona Montigue), Jim Mayer
Porno Pictures Incorporated is holding their annual “World Famous Sex Education Course.” Miss Prude (who looks disturbingly like Hillary Clinton) stumbles over her dialogue and keeps looking off-camera. She lectures a group who want to be porn stars. The unwashed cast sit naked on folding chairs, next to a dirty mattress. One girl raises her hand. “I lost my virginity when I was nine. What will this class teach me?” Much more than how to screw, says Miss Prude. “We’ll teach you how to become an erogenous sex symbol.”
Mind-warping lessons begin on how to apply lip gloss, perfume and the art of underwear removal. The camera keeps cutting to the dazed expressions on the students’ faces.
“Posing” is next. A bored-looking starlet gyrates on top of Miss Prude’s desk. (The hairy crotch close-ups are frightening.) Two out-of-shape volunteers oil each other down, then laughably engage in the most inept lesbian scene I’ve ever witnessed.
What’s next? Would you believe lessons in “Walking”, “Sitting” and “Leg Crossing?” (How about a lesson on how to shave your legs and apply soap and water?) Finally the class learns how to “stimulate the male”. A young couple demonstrate oral sex and get so carried away Miss Prude has to smack them on the ass with her pointer. (“We must be adults!”) He gives her the high, hard one anyway. (The dubbed-in wheezing on the soundtrack sounds like someone having an asthma attack!)
Next up is an all-important lesson on “Facial Expressions” (!) We get a shot of the whole class as the teacher shouts out, “”Love! Hate! Fear!” (Their expressions remain the same: vacant!)
After that the only thing left is “Intercourse.” A fat chick, with a belly like a kettle drum, makes it with a drugged-looking ape. (This guy’s legs are so hairy, it looks like he’s wearing pants!) His meatloaf is immense and she practically needs a shoehorn to stuff it in her. They try to make love but his dick’s got stagefright. (If this joker wants to be a porn star, he should consider another line of work.) She valiantly tries to fellate him, but he’s null and void.
So they fake it. Endlessly. (I left the room and made a sandwich. When I got back he was still limp as a noodle.) Mercifully, he gets “wood” and gives her a half-hearted bang (to dubbed-in snoring!) The class applauds and the Joyboy staggers away like a drunk. Dr. Samuel Smutlover makes an appearance. He’s casting his next epic and needs an actress. He samples all the women but nobody can turn him on. The teacher lets down her hair. After a quick poke, Miss Prude gets the part. Class dismissed.